The most important draft of 2008

It’s the end of summer, which means pasty white men all over America are by force of habit drafting things. Why should this blog be any different? Behold, the first annual inaugural appetizer draft blog bonanza

geoff sanderson what!

Milt had the first pick. Woody (that’s me) didn’t. The format is as follows:

Pick number.  Selection/by whom–Useless commentary

1. Buffalo Wings/milt — The original heavy hitter, the classic; Thurman Thomas
2. Mozzarella Sticks / “Stix”/woody — Its ubiquity is only topped by its nearly impossible-to-fuck-up-ness
3. Loaded Potato Skins/milt — This pick may have been a reach; would likely have been available later. Still, the scouts love this kid’s upside.
4. Quesadillas/woody — Our first foreign-born draftee may indicate an all-cheese draft strategy taking shape. We’ll have to wait and find out. Vaminos!
5. Chicken Fingers/milt — Can’t believe he fell this far! One day, we’ll look back at this and say, “what an excellent pick.”
6. Boneless Buffalo Wings/woody — Our first controversial pick. Most pundits assumed that Wings and Tenders’ bastard cousin Boneless Buff was not draft eligible, but an 11th hour ruling by the draft committee meant BBW was able to get its paper work filed just before the midnight deadline. May prove to be the steal of the draft thus far. Boneless is “just happy to be here.” And you can bet motivated, too; this kid has something to prove.
7. French Onion Soup/milt — CONTROVERSY. Woody wanted this, and was assured he’d be available.
8. *DRAFT PICK FORFEITED*/woody — Dejected by the outright theft of his beloved French Onion soup, Woody’s draft strategy is thrown for a loop. He does his best Mike Tice and accidentally allows the time limit to run out, forfeiting the #8 pick. The camera cuts to a nervous looking nacho platter talking on a cell phone in the green room with his family
9. Onion Rings/milt — This may represent an “onion run”.
10. Stuffed Mushrooms/woody — “This is clearly a reach, quite frankly, Team Woody needs to get its act back together. Shrooms are projected as a mid-20’s pick, what are they thinking?. This is really an embarrasment to witness, especially with cheese fries and jalapeno poppers on the board. I MEAN, HOLLA-PINO POPPAZ!! But hey, maybe they have some kind of Darko Milicic strategy.” — Stephen A. Smith
11. Nachos/milt — You look at nachos, and you say to yourself, “I like everything that’s going on here.”
12. Spinach & Artichoke Dip/woody — Fear the ampersand.
13. Chili Cheese Fries/milt — Led the SEC in orders, but some question his ability to translate that into a similar level of success in the pros.
14. Jalapeno Poppers/woody — QUITE FRANKLY IT IS ABOUT TIME
15. Sliders!/milt — Yeah, it really is just a stupid little hamburger. I don’t like anything about these things.
16. Blooming Onion/woody — I know it’s just a gigantic glorified onion ring, and I know it’s provincial, but I don’t care. I’m a rebel. And rebels eat deep fried vegetable flora.  YeeeeeeeeeeeeHaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
17. Popcorn Skrimpz/milt — Important note: We’re talking about the cheap, greasy, crappy stuff. That’s how we roll.
18. Cheese Fries (normal non-chili)/woody — Okay, this is my last pansy assed quasi-variation pick, I promise. But–the kind with mozzarella melted on top, not that cheese wiz bullshit.
19. Pizza Fries/milt — I guess this is what we’re doing now. Or, ummm, did Woody already draft a sauce-less pizza fry? I’m so confused. He keeps playing mind games with me.
20. Gravy Fries/woody — Now we’re just beating a dead starch. Listen, I lied. I was hoping milt would go pizza so I could go gravy. It was all a trap. French Fries are the king of all vegetables.
21. Pot stickers/milt — Crasian!
22. Bruschetta/woody — Or as I like to call it, “Dago Salsa”
23. Woody’s mom/milt — Italian jokes… nice.
24. Calimari/woody — Since milt started the run on smelly stuff
25. Pasta Fazool/milt — Mob joke, etc.
26. Fresh Mozzarella + tomato/woody — I hate tomatoes but love cheese. And this is pretty close to not being an actual appetizer, but if we actually worried about details like this we probably would have better things to do than draft appetizers
27. Taquitos/milt — Whoever came up with these had the right idea. It didn’t quite work out, but it’s on the right track.
28. Manhattan Clam Chowder/woody — I’ve never ordered or tasted this stuff in my life, but it can’t possibly be worse than the New England variety. And aren’t we all just sick of New England anyway
29. New England Clam Chowder/milt — I don’t know what he’s talking about. This stuff rules, unlike his weak ass team.
30. Tiny egg rolls/woody — I’m thinking steal of the draft right hurr
31. Boneless Ribs/milt — The above comment was meant for this pick.
32. Fried Mac’n’Cheese/woody — Game set match I totally pwned this draft

So there you have it. Adjust your dining accordingly. And be on the lookout for our next blog post in March ’09 where we square these 32 contenders off in a winner takes all single elimination Tour–NOM-ent!

Tags: Draft, haha funny jokes